If only we could sit in constant awareness of – what others say and do as a reflection of them and our response as an understanding of what we are, the answers would be revealed. (Rephrased from an existing quote)
Today started with a little note coming in from someone very dear who hasn’t appreciated my straight-forwardness. The same underlying message comes across every now and then as a reaction to oppose the practice of being open. But this time around I tuned into something unfamiliar within, versus my previous response of feeling guilty about being it. The wrongness around that quality or characteristic I was being identified with, was no more dominating. It uncovered how I was preset to connect being myself with ideas of how I should be, especially those with whom I had deep attachments.
Instantly, in absence of thought, I felt a rush of appreciation for times I didn’t hold in. Because this non-critical voice inside insisted that my sincerity was also revealed in acts of expressing gratitude, admiration, romance along with the emotions that are otherwise rejected. Why then, one side of me was worthy and the other not? Why was partial acceptance so common?
Clearly it was the outcome of denying, being afraid, and ashamed of looking at personal traits that are collectively refused by family, society and culture (even in privacy of sitting with myself it was hard coming to terms). My system involuntarily adopted what was right and wrong about me, prior to this new perception. I could tell, at some depth we are mostly annoyed not by what is being said about us, but the way we are wired to process what’s coming in. Rarely are we introduced to observing ourselves in entirety and adoring the whole of what is seen.
Owning every experience was the initial and probably the most vital move I made in this process. Assigning no responsibility to anyone other than myself. In that genuine yearning of empathy for my discomforts and disturbances, there was a natural unbiased guidance that walked me to a place within which saw strength, resilience and compassion for moments gone by where I was being harsh in repeatedly calling myself undeserving and unwelcome. Owning also meant admitting that ‘I’ had absorbed a lot from voices and behaviors that didn’t belong to me. Unknowingly ‘I’ was in agreement with people who didn’t value simplicity of being original and accommodating differences. Their belief had become mine. Practicing absolute honesty in listening to my internal chatter helped release a lot of judgment and feeling at home for who I am.
I settled in absolute surety and peace when tuned into this holistic view. All this while it was here, hidden under the heap of self-judgment that kept me from including criticized fragments of myself instead of ignoring them. Probably, the only step missing in realization of freedom from a self-created neurosis.
It feels light to a point that none of what happened matters anymore when you discover the madness was your doing.
Be the light.