And when the depth I went looking for was found in myself, the world didn’t seem shallow anymore. (Saachi)
The more I dig into the unknown terrain of myself, the more I come to peace with all that is. If only this would be my forever mode, to watch nothing but the self and its ways. I fluctuate but then thats a part of peeling the layers of conditioning. It’s lovely when you find little treasures like these.
There was a phase, only recently, when I was coaxed by circumstances to journey into the more dense and un-ventured spaces that have been a part of me. The ones which carried the danger of being pulled into heavy currents, becoming obscure, losing breath and more. These spots have been, undoubtedly, sitting within, though the cover of shadows sufficed to give the impression that there lied nothing worth exploring. I’ve concluded them (shadows) to be justifications, defence mechanism or protection mode.
When I sincerely began to brainstorm my attitudes and attributes while objectively matching them with that of people I most disliked, rejected, criticized or even detested, the veils dropped and shadows split. All that while, my overlapping qualities were separated by these invisible screens commonly called reasons filled with facts drawn solely by the ‘always right’ me! And that is not exclusive to my personality, it is relevant to the majority of us. For instance, the complaining nature of another is quite repulsive but we are blinded from seeing it in ourselves because of the conviction that we grumble for the better. Do you know of anyone other than yourself who was qualified to exercise this and not be judged against? If yes, it’s the ones you are biased / attached to. As your inclination shifts, rules change!
Have you ever tried that level of integrity in watching your interactions, noting down exactly what bothers you in others and putting yourself under the scanner to come equal on the findings? It’s literally mind blowing because it cracks the sub-identity which you’ve built (for yourself) unknowingly to cater to Societal Norms / Rules of Morality more so for not wanting to be called an outcast, weird, rare-breed or should we say unacceptable. The last one hit the spot, didn’t it? All that we have put as worthless to face about ourselves, actually requires genuine investment of our time and energy. Looking away does no good because it is emitted in our behavior anyway while others are open enough to capture it and create an image that ironically we do not want to build for ourselves.
Acknowledging is necessary to let those parts of ourself feel noticed. Being ignored when we need to be heard hurts like hell, and so to treat every bit that has formed our identity with a detailed level of attention slowly drives away the incompleteness and conflict. This is because we dare and care to be an audience to the duality in us which causes friction by pulling us both ways; one, which we are and the other which we desire to be. The former is mostly what’s gathered, without resistance yet unknowingly, as a result of upbringing, exposure to multiple social environments and media. While the latter purely emerges as an active urge to shed and shred the way we were assembled unconsciously; those aspects that we deeply reject to be true for us. The bottomline being to watch, confess, agree with and embrace the whole self.
To practice this, I must say make journaling a regular activity. It has got to be one of the most simple, effective and obvious ways of understanding our psyche, if done with unquestionable honesty. We can come to notice evidence of thinking patterns leading to a stark realization that everything is a direct reflection. Allow that time to sync and sink in. Invariably, in our daily living we stay ignorant of the subtle connection between what is being served on the outside and all that is brewing within. I could have been stirring up lots of dissatisfaction and wonder why people or events fail to hit my expectation. Chewing and digesting circumstances then uses more energy and there’s not much left of it to spare for other experiences. Therefore, to note our psychological obsessions is key to coming out of them and invite a switch in our reality.
Leave nothing to sort on its own, because it won’t. And this compulsion to self-explore gets stronger as we become or rather feel isolated and treated unfair. When we believe that the world was set up only to attack with possibly all ideas of injustice on us. When living solo (emotionally and mentally) is unbearably heavy to the point that idea of separation becomes inevitable, this being the most extreme point, the cause is undoubtedly us. Or does that statement raise more doubts?! Being miserable within our aura for a stretched period of time is a loud knock on the door hinting at what has been asking for attention; the abandoned self. So get on with allowing it to show up, release it of all judgement and watch the gradual closure of the disorder where all ends return to unite as one.
With much hope for greater depths,
More of my compressed thoughts on Instagram Handle – SentimentsByS The first ever published collection of my poetry from childhood and onwards – Thoughts That Set Me Free
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